Im a happy man.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

**warning. this post contains highly emo stuff, so would appreciate if readers ignore and avoid reading this post**

it seems all that i ask for is never gonna happen. its just understanding each other. even if one dont, at least have a visible sign that its of a priority. they say change is difficult, and that a leopard can never change its spots. sadly, i saw a live example today.

how far can two people go? just how far? is it more impt to look out for wat's in front, what's gonna happen? or to look down to see if the two hands that's holding each other holding them tightly enough? hurts, when one cannot link impt stuff of high regards by the other party to the strength one are proud of.

i having bitter thoughts. how nice, if i can finally learn to consciously cause hurt to other people without feeling a sense of guilt. how nice, if i can learn to shrug off that inferior complexity. how nice, if i could feel that normality applies to my character. how nice, if i can be less sensitive to others. how nice, if i can change my perception of the world. how nice, if there's just a reset button.

i hate having tears run in my eyes. everytime it comes to that stage, i find myself hardening my heart as a form of self-defense to prevent less hurt from reaching to my heart. not that my heart matters. it blocks communication so much. its like, the mode would be on "defensive" right away. how to reach out to myself you tell me? well, lets be optimistic. at least you're not feeling hurt, which can be quite uncomfortable.

i like kat's msn nick. it says "if u can handle me at my worst, you deserve me at my best". kinda rubs that tiny warm fuzzy part in everyone, giving them hope that there's some1 out there that can appreciate you for what you are. or at least tat's how i interpret it. will there ever come a day where i can give my best?

been feeling emo very easily for the past 2-3 weeks. feel the xing xuan feeling now. i already did what's in my best understanding. to spell things flat out. so that its easier to understand in another language. apparently it doesnt help, just goes to show how much i've really come to know.

maybe i do have that bit of ego in me. afterall, i did had a hard time admitting im not the type that opens up easily. wait, that doesnt really count does it? (poof) there goes "that bit of ego".

negativity surrounds me, together with the cold and silent night. knowledge doesnt empower you, you know? cos despite me knowing im having negative thoughts, i cant stop it. maybe the heart is mightier than the mind. maybe i just lack willpower.

i could go on it seems. sprouting negative comments, giving dejected thinkings. so this is what it means to feel emo and blog about it. the feeling is like...eating durians from the shell. i now get a big crack/hole/depression after finishing the good stuff.

shld i be brave? or should i be hopeful? sad part is, my guts feeling tells me that upset-ness hovers over on the other side is not really because im feeling sad/hurt/watever u call it, but because of something else not related to my feelings.

i've reached a conclusion. maybe end of the day, im just a freak.

outz`i hope whoever read this respected me and didnt read it.

12:46 am

a walk down life's long and endless road. here, i pen/type occasional posts...giving a record to the exciting, sad, joyful, memorable, heart-wrenching, scary, tearful, happy, surprising and mostly undescribable moments and events that happens. Young mind; thirsty soul; manipulatable thinking. Born in Singapore, that makes me singaporean. Looking back, I recall those academic years, filled with laughter, innocence, care, a shine unmatched, a smile untainted and a sleep undisturbed. Right now, i firmly believe that without any scars in life, one can never grow. Look at all the noble people around, those you think are good people. Chances are, when you ask them for a story, they will have one to say. The one that changed them. I take life slowly, trying in vain to squeeze what little innocence that is left in me. For I know, that after my transition into adulthood, i'll miss them. Even now, reality beckons with a surprisingly tempting hand. Fight hard I will, not to embrace that side. Someone is out there, and there, i may probably be salvaged. One last thing, im against all religion, but i wholeheartedly salute worshippers. Cheers.